A while back, a friend was questioning their sexuality, and asked me how I knew I was gay. I replied with the text below. (for the record, he has since found himself a gorgeous lady-friend, and has never been happier)
Here's some of my story - a bit of my 'how do you know' together with 'when did you know'.
When I was about 8 or 9, I already knew that I was different, and somehow also I already knew that it was in my best interest to pretend I wasn't. At boarding school, I put up posters of Suzi Quatro (who I thought was just dreamy), and a picture of the Osmonds (don't judge me!!) - the Osmonds were on the wall because everyone else had them up. I even claimed to find Merrill the cutest (even though everyone else was crazy about Donny) just to be different in my own way.
When my school mates were itching to kiss the boys, I wasn't at all interested. I was into sports big time, county championships took up all my energy and a fair bit of my time. I was, I think, attracted to girls early on, but didn't seem to go through the whole teenage sexual frustration that some of my peers seemed to be going through.
However, when I was 14, I developed a serious crush on one of the school nurses. She was married with a child my own age and lived with her family on the school premises along with other teachers and school staff. I'm certainly not in a position to judge her, but her actions were fairly bad... she encouraged my attraction and suffice to say she was my first lesbian experience. In the end, her husband reported her to the school board and she was dismissed.
Man, this is turning into an essay!! I've decided not to backtrack and delete all that - it's part of the whole journey.
After that, I went boy crazy in a slightly deranged and self-destructive way. I had finally confirmed where my attractions lay, and being a good Christian girl (Church of England school - they call it Anglican here in NZ), I thought I was despicable. Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong, I thought that if I could be 'cured', everything would be alright between me and God.
Over the next three years, I tried really hard to be straight, making out with multiple guys as my own conversion therapy attempt. But when I was 17, I fell head over heels with a girl from college who was gay. We had a non-sexual relationship, but it was very intense, and I knew then I could not pretend any longer. My sexuality was no longer in agreement with the God I was told to fear. I got kicked out of school for being "a deviant", and I turned my back on God and the church.
It took a long, long time to be comfortable in my skin. I passed my early 20s in a haze of parties, short-term relationships, and political rallies, fighting for lesbian and gay rights. I got into drunken fights on the underground, played around with drugs, and had heaps of casual sexual encounters.
I was more settled in my late 20s and early 30s, and then I came over to NZ.
About 10 years ago, I started thinking more and more that my childhood view of God was distorted, and to make that story shorter, I came back to Him about 7 years ago. Then I met my darling, and the rest is history.
I have absolutely no idea whether that answers anything for you. That you are questioning your sexuality at all is a huge step, because the actual heart of being different is always hard to identify, if that makes sense.
How do I know I am gay? It's a label that's been handed to me over the years to describe who I have sex with. But for me, it's a deep physical and emotional bond I have in having chosen a woman to be my mate. I used to say that I would fall in love with the person first, and if they happened to be a woman, so be it. That's not strictly true - I have loved some men in my life, and still have a close relationship with many today. But seeing as I am not physically attracted to them beyond that deep friendship says a lot in itself.
I had this saved in blogger for some time, just for safe-keeping. I found it again by accident today and thought I might as well pop it out on the interwebs. It might help someone, you never know...
