Work/Life Balance

That's a phrase that's been banded about quite a bit of late, at least here at my place of employment. I think it's an interesting use of words, perhaps implying that work is not part of your life, and can therefore be divorced or separated off by the use of a simple slash or stroke (aside: such an ungainly name for a punctuation mark don't you think? Also called an oblique, diagonal, whack, separatrix, virgule, scratch comma, slant, or forward slash...). In some situations, it should of course be referred to as a work/money balance, seeing as there are quite a number of professions where the money has absolutely no bearing on the quality or quantity of work actually performed... such as teaching. See? I do get there eventually...

You may know by now that my blog titles are generally ethereal, somewhat tentatively linked ideas as opposed to an introduction to what the blog may be about. I'll not disappoint on this occasion either.

I had my interview at University of Auckland yesterday. I won't go on about it. Suffice to say I did OK at the maths test (with the possible exception of the fractions and simplify exercises), think I did fab at the written assessment, and handled myself with worldly aplomb during the group interview (LOL). I was pretty nervous to start with, but the other interviewees exhibited such obvious tremours that I was somehow put at ease. Ah, there is something to be said for having 25 years' experience in the workplace... seriously.

So, I wait to hear if I've been accepted into the programme, and whether they will recommend to the Uni that I be accepted as a student. *This* is because my UK certs don't automatically qualify me for entrance (the irony here is that if I was applying to be a student here from the UK, they *would* be enough...), so I've put in a 'special' application which appears to take into account more lifetime/career experience rather than hard and fast qualifications.

In the afternoon, I was due to have a performance review meeting with my manager in order to go through projects and outcomes to date, plus a look at the next 6 months. Having already decided to hand in my notice in the New Year (regardless of Uni application) I decided to pop out the honesty card and gave her the low-down. She was actually very accepting, and after about 15 minutes of discussing my future plans, we literally just chatted for the remainder of the meeting time.

It turned out to be an emotionally tasking day, but a totally rewarding one.

In two days I fly to Holland for two weeks. I am really looking forward to not only getting away, but also meeting my darling's family, and putting the past few months of worry and uncertainty firmly behind me so I can start the year afresh.

I remember writing sometime ago that 2007 would be an interesting year. It certainly has turned out to be just that, and 2008 looks to be even more exciting!

Happy Christmas all. My very best wishes to you and yours.
xxx

The Price of Health

There is no healthcare category. I guess there can't be a category for everything, but if I can pick a mood that isn't on a list then... oh, but that's not what I was going to write about.

Yesterday I discovered funded healthcare.

Since I arrived in New Zealand, I've worked for a large corporate that subsides the Southern Cross Regular healthcare plan. I used to pay extra for Supercare (can't remember what that included - try the website), then I 'downgraded' to Hospital and Specialist care. I think I pay an extra $400 or maybe more per year for that. Under that plan I pay to see a doctor ($58 for the privilege in Remuera) and prescriptions ($15 per item). If I needed to see a specialist, such as for my allergies, that's about $125 per visit, but I can claim all of that back from Southern Cross. And of course, under the hospital part of the plan, I can go get myself sliced and diced (for medical reasons rather than for pleasure) up to a grand total of $60k... I'm thinking that would be fairly major... Then on top of that, I pay $11 per fortnight (which is of course almost $300 per year) to belong to another healthcare thing through work, which will refund me 60% of my prescriptions. That $11 also means I'm a member of a holiday home club thing, but I've never used it.

So, as I said, last night I discovered Procare. There was a new Medical Centre built near my home. I was only registered with the doc in Remuera cos my ex was registered there and I needed to see a doc, obviously, many years ago. I think the last time I went to see her was about four years ago...

Oh yes - Procare. This is a government funded organisation. Go check it out if you don't know about it. Short version? Oh ok then...

I paid $30 to see the doctor. I enrolled, which means that the centre can get funding for little ol' me, and in three months' time, a visit to the doctor will cost me $15. I got five items on prescription. At $3 per item. It's amazing.

And because I won't be getting private healthcare next year, and because I won't have a lot of money to burn, knowing I can see a doctor and get drugs if I need them for a relatively minimal cost is a whole weight off my mind.

That's all... quick and simple. I've a lot to learn.

Update to interesting news from before

First I just want to say that I find it interesting that there is a blogging category called "blogging". I'm bending it slightly, but makes me think of sending an email with the subject line "emailing". Silly. Yes.

So, where are things after that last exciting episode one month ago?

Work
I'll try to do a short version - you know how I go on...
A few months ago (yes I know, a history lesson first) I had my HBDI profile done (click on the link if you want details, otherwise the rest of this isn't going to make sense). I'm a very strong red, with a backup of green. Thing is, I've been working in the blue space for a long time, well all my professional career to be exact.
Ok, Ok... a brief run down...
Blue = Rational - tends to be logical, technical, factual - i.e. my 25 years of working in the IT industry, which don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed to a point
Yellow = Cognitive - visual, strategic - not talking about this one cos I don't have any
Green = Practical - conservative, organised
Red = Visceral - emotional, musical, expressive, spiritual
There.
So, where was I? I'm a strong red. My team at work had an offsite thing and we went through some of our HBDI traits as a group. Our personal profiles were on display for all to see, and my boss' boss (nice guy, worked with him before - probably the primary reason I took this job in the first place) says, "Oh Jo, how is it you're not a teacher?" then a quick backtrack, "Oh, ha ha, that doesn't mean you can leave...!" Anway, you get the picture. Sowed a seed.
Short version? Oh yeah, right... So I'm about 90% on the way to going back to school. I've applied to Auckland University to be a student. I'm looking to do a Bachelor of Education specialising in Primary care.
I'll pop some more news in here about how that's going, application, etc.
Hm - reading back through that looks like a major leap, but believe me it's been quite a process.
I think I can make a difference. Supporting myself with little or no income for 3 years is naturally a little daunting, but with the emotional support of my darling, and many more friends around me, I'll get there. I'm also prepared to eat humble pie if I have to and go back into the corporate grind after say one year if it doesn't work out. Not being fatalist - just practical... (my green side coming out heh).

Smoking
Still not. Want to from time to time. Don't. Fab.

Love
Still grand. Making headway in leaps and bounds with the girls, which is fab too. Still not going to do a major blog on that just yet. I'm very very happy.

Mum (was Travel)
Got a nice, very civil email back from Mum after my last blurt to her about tons of stuff. Says quite simply (between the lines) we won't ever talk about that again, and let's just go back to talking about stuff that doesn't matter. I guess I can live with that for now. Shame tho.

And that's all for today. The current mood is hungry cos I was going to get some lunch before I started writing this, then forgot, and now people are turning around wondering what that grumbling noise is all about.

I should blog on other stuff - still have other major changes that have been going on in my life. Those that have an eye for detail might notice... I'll leave a little teaser...

You know...? Coming out as gay was never a problem. But there's a different kind of coming out taking place. It's wonderful. It's liberating. It's challenging.

Oh, and completely aside, I'm back in touch with some old school mates. That's what I was originally going to write about now I come to think of it. Another time.

Quick hunt for food and back to work. For now.

News for those with nothing better to read

Work...
sucks. It's boring. Can't think for a moment what possessed me to take it on, but then again the JD didn't exactly say what was actually entailed. Do they ever? And it's not getting any better - I now have a new boss. Firstly, she's a woman - don't get me wrong, I've just never reported to a female boss before. I never knew how overbearing they could be (was I ever like that?). Second, and it was bound to happen at some point, she's younger than me. Third, she's a pain in the arse. She says "I'm not the type of person to micromanage..." and then asks every five minutes what you're doing. She big-notes all the time, and we (my peers and I) are quickly learning that there is nothing in the world that she hasn't either done first hand or had some close personal experience of. It's infuriating! But, on another tack, I had lunch the other day with a good friend and ex-colleague - he still works for the company, but we don't work in the same field or building anymore. He told me he was looking at things a different way. Coming to work involves five aspects - the job itself, the work environment, your colleagues, your boss and your pay. He decided that he liked four out of five of those, and now concentrates on those instead of simply hating his job. Using his analogy, I like three out of five... but right this minute that's not helping, although it could be related to

Smoking...
which I stopped doing (again) a week ago. Take a tip ladies... if you're going to give up smoking, do it when you're PMT - you'll be doubly cranky, but you can blame it all on the monthlies, and after the first week, it's not really so bad. Downside is I've already put on 2 kilos - need to work on that. Don't want to be a blob again. I'm known to my friends as being quite a slow eater... I appear to have sped up again. Not good - by the time I realise I'm full, I'm actually over-full. Wow, this blog is really interesting so far eh?

Love...
is grand. It's amazing. It's fan-f*cking-tastic. I could write a whole thing about just that, and maybe I will. Another time.

Travel...
plans are afoot. I am joining my darling and her two girls in Holland for Christmas and New Year. Wow. That's pretty huge. Not huge for my girlfriend and I specifically, cos I think we'd travel well together; but important in that I'll be staying with her at her parent's house, and that they will be meeting me, the first real girlfriend ever. And it's cool that her parents appear keen to meet me (or maybe just curious?). Her brother seems keen for sure. On another pretty huge scale is me not going to see Mother while I'm in Europe. The timing just wasn't going to work out what with Mum and step-Dad being on cruise from 15th Dec to 10th Jan, and me being back at work on the 10th... so, well, Mum and I are actually having a major email heart-to-heart right now, and we're covering off some dark and sensitive stuff about my/our pasts...Heavy I can tell you. Long and short of that is that I'm not sure right now she'd even want me visiting her for Christmas (if ever again - I'm trying to set myself up for the worst reaction, although the worst reaction would be to get no reply at all right?). And to cap off the travel plan segment... The girls' three tickets were confirmed some time ago. Because of the Mum/email thing that's been going on, and now that I've decided to join them (without any side trip to Mother) and finalised taking leave from work etc, I can't get on the same flight! So we're all leaving on the same day, but we are flying around the world in opposite directions, and we'll meet up in Amsterdam some 24 hours later. Weird!!

I also want to write blogs on a host of other subjects, things I'm going through at the moment, choices we make, choices that are made for us or at least choices we are gently guided towards making. Oh yes, that's a whole different bag of tricks.

But this was intended to be a quick blurt between meetings at work... cos my darling was writing a blog and it made me look at when I last wrote one, and I nearly fainted.

To those that read this - hope it wasn't too yawn-worthy. However, if it was - tough!

Comfort Zones

I was assigned 'Comfort Zones' as my next blog topic, kind of in keeping with a comment someone made on my last blog re fitting ourselves into certain shapes. I googled the term, and arrived at Wikipedia... so being the tired/lazy cheat I am, I'm doing a cut and paste exercise. I've underlined sections that jumped out at me, specifically in relation to the last blog... Others are colour coded - cos I'm in a strangely aesthetic mood - to help you cross-refer!

The term comfort zone is used to denote a type of mental conditioning(a) resulting in artificially created mental boundaries, within which an individual derives a sense of security.

These boundaries tend to result in an internal state of mind(b), an example of which would be rigid attitudes and beliefs, which may not necessarily be true. This may or may not manifest as an external situation in the individual's life.

A comfort zone may result when the mental concept that a person has about something and actual reality of it, are not congruent with one another. A classic example to take would be of self image(c).

Self-image may consist of three types:

1. Self image resulting from how the individual sees herself
2. Self image resulting from how others see the individual
3. Self image resulting from how the individual perceives others see her

These three types may or may not be an accurate representation of the person. All, some or none of them may be true.

(a) Mental conditioning may be attributable to several causes - mass media, society, peers, parents etc. All of these may directly or indirectly create mental conditioning.
(b) State of mind redirects to Miriam Webster definitions of Mental Health, namely:
"A state of emotional and psychological well-being in which an individual is able to use his or her cognitive and emotional capabilities, function in society, and meet the ordinary demands of everyday life."
(c) A person's self image is the mental picture, generally of a kind that is quite resistant to change, that depicts not only details that are potentially available to objective investigation by others (height, weight, hair color, sex, I.Q. score, is this person double-jointed, etc.), but also items that have been learned by that person about himself or herself, either from personal experiences or by internalizing the judgments of others. Those items include the answers to such questions as:
Am I skinny? Am I fat? Am I attractive? Am I weak? Am I strong? Am I intelligent? Am I stupid? Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I masculine? Am I feminine? Am I likeable?

Square Pegs and Round Holes

And once again, I can't think of anything off my own bat, so have to be inspired by others... and on the question of fitting in...

Hey, you know me... full of useful/useless (delete as appropriate) advice... So here's the thing.

I'm an odd shape. Always have been. Certainly tried to do the fitting-into-the-appropriate-mould thing, and never found it to work. I got close to giving up on life itself when fitting seemed the only thing to do and turned out to be futile. Thankfully I was too juvenile and scared to do anything really serious...

As an aside I spent my formative years in a church environment which I quickly rejected, even when I was probably too young to fully understand what I was doing. However, in moving from front-of-house hymn-singing I found myself in the orchestra, and this confirmed a love of music from a different participation level, so no bad thing. In later life, I re-evaluated having faith in something bigger and more important than myself, and I'm happy with where I'm at.

So here comes the lesson learned from experience... I realise that I have straight edges (no pun intended), curved edges, sharp edges, fuzzy edges, black, white, every colour in between... There is no one shape that matches mine. I do not want to fit myself into something that could potentially surround and suffocate me. I like to be able to breath.

Instead, I try to gather around me shapes that compliment mine. There is no one shape that suits me best - I recognise that some shapes are more rudimentary, more conventional, and some parts of me match those too.

I have endeavoured to make big bits of me fit into the closest known shape, and the consequential fallout is not pretty. I now make a special effort to avoid that. Small bits of me can be honed to fit certain aspects, such as work environment for example, and I can live with those minor adjustments.

Those who I let get closest to me will understand what is fitting, and what fits (pun definitely intended).

A couple of phrases borrowed from a friend's blog space:

Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter...
and
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not...

Learn to love the shape you are. I'm getting there.

Thanks for the reminders

Yes, I am well aware that I haven't really done any honest-to-good blogging... kinda had other stuff going on.

So instead, I changed one thing on my profile. Go on - have a look... it's subtle.

Oh, I changed the music around too, but that was done a few days ago. I tried changing the photo album, but there's some weird thing going on so it's back to how it was. I was working on a cool myflashfetish (same as the mp3 player) photo album, but it 'broke' - no, it was not user error.

Work: It has its moments. Friday was good, today was bad. It depends on a) office attendance, i.e. who's there on any particular day, and b) current headspace and/or motivation. Friday I was in a good headspace and motivated. Today I had a new person sitting about three feet away from my screen and felt intimidated, but it was that crap time of the month and I didn't feel like being there at all.

Social stuff: Yesterday was the Big Gay Out. The rain held off which was super cool. Our bowling group did a stonking good cook-out for our fundraiser - I'm sure we must have equalled what we made last year. I worked on putting the tent and stuff together this year, and was all done and dusted way before the crowds started arriving. Hung around with various groups of friends... walked hand in hand with my gf, which was absolutely lovely. So, so cool to have someone to share BGO with. And there's more Hero stuff going on... There's the 'D Thing' exhibition this Friday, and of course Flirt on Saturday - yes Machi... I guess it will be a sort of anniversary... And the Hero Debate next Monday. Sweet.

I'm on painkillers and a wee bit of alcohol - that's all you get.

Have fun out there.

A Whirlwind Week or More

The last PL blog didn't say much, and this one probably won't say much more...
suffice to say I'm still alive and well - extremely well in fact, barring sleep disorders
and fluttering hearts, which are probably related.

This is not a private letter, although to those in the know it might seem as such...
No, this is an open declaration (to those on the preferred list naturally) that I haven't
felt this alive in years. I have to say that the new job thing was really not going well
there for the first couple of weeks - I did not appear to have the mental capacity
to deal with a new job AND a new - oh, I'm going to say it - girlfriend. To those of you
keeping up with the story so far, this is continuation from the Flirt night out I wrote
about on the 26th Jan.

And that's all you get. Not because I don't want to write about it - cos indeed I do - but
it is kinda like airing laundry. Maybe a PL is the best place to do that, but I'm not
ready just yet. Still getting used to the blogging thing anyway.

And I'm writing this at work... which incidentally is getting better and better, more and
more stuff gelling into place, making sense, but still finding it hard to put a full 8 hours
in when my mind really is elsewhere. It will balance out I know.

Bad girl... yeah, whatever.

If Music be the Food of Love

A friend (I'll use 'friend' here as it's less complicated, and doesn't then have to end up in a PL which I don't feel like writing now - phew) is at Parachute 07. When I mention this to people (in an "I'd rather be there than here" context), I get one of two reactions:
a) What's that?, or
b) Oh cool, I have friends/family there too!

For the 'what's that' people, I've inserted a link above. For those that can't be bothered, it is the largest Christian music festival in the Southern Hemisphere - 25,000 attendees and held over four days.

Now the reason I bring this up at all is because I was looking to the P07 schedule, and saw some names I recognised - for example, Nesian Mystik, a kiwi hip-hop pop band that burst onto the scene five years ago (who are incidentally also playing at the Edge fm Anniversary party tomorrow, Monday 29th Jan, at Coyle Park, Pt Chev.)

Looking further at the line-up showed some other bands that I know - and quite frankly I didn't expect that. The great news is that I've dug one of those bands out of the archives and listening to them again, namely Third Day. If any of you like the sound of say Nickelback or Creed, then from a musical and singing style, this band may be for you too. I'd encourage you to give them a try, and while you're there try MercyMe and Skillet too!

The other interesting surprise was my friend's reaction when I said I knew them - she wasn't expecting that either!

I love music. And without wanting to sound like I'm espousing simply because I've been listening to Christian rock all day - music really does transcend all. And that's pretty cool

Plans Coming Together

I've been so hectic with the new job and other matters, I just have not had any time to post newsy stuff in here. Matters of the heart etc always take precedence naturally, hence PL postings and even one private diary entry. But anyway...

On Tuesday I booked my return trip to LA, and on Thursday my travel companion confirmed the LA-Denver leg. Wow! I know I have a countdown timer on my page, but this does kinda make things even more real! The accomodation's all sorted except for one night, but we're working on that. We're going to share a room with the San Fran girls, and then go back and hang with them before the second tournament in LA. I am so looking forward to visiting a new city and state, and revisiting an old one where I used to live, even if it was only for a few months.

And that's my travel plans sorted anyway.

And talking of travel, tomorrow I have some online buds arriving from England via Hong Kong. I'm not 100% sure that they haven't arrived already, we may have a date mix-up, but no matter... they will call/txt/email when they're ready to be taken on a whirlwind tour I'm sure. Not that I'm any good as a tour guide I don't think. Maybe they'll be too tired to notice :)

Talking of tired, that's me. I've had an emotional week where I didn't really want one - that last thing you need when you're starting a new job in a totally different field is to have late nights and sleeplessness due to affairs of the heart or mind.

I have a long weekend to get over it.

Questioning Emotional Risk

This was written in response to a conversation - essentially, I'm becoming a blogger on demand :)

Is it better to feel something good that might ultimately lead to hurt, or avoid the risk completely and theoretically control the level of pain involved? The cynical approach would be that it is bound to hurt anyway, therefore why make the emotional commitment? The eternal optimist will say that they go in with arms open wide and never think of a bad outcome.

How much of the heart we give while maintaining some defense against trampling depends perhaps on the lessons learned from previous experiences, and on occasion, some sort of resolve might come into the equation, i.e. "I will not allow myself to get in too deep", as useless as this may be in the long run.

And we make things more complicated for ourselves - we build those castles in the sky before understanding even where this journey might take us. In the world where two extremely emotional beings are seeking the ultimate in intimacy and understanding, we have a joke: What does a lesbian take on her second date? Everything.

It might be a limited-offer scenario, for example, one woman might be leaving the country for good in a week, a month, a year... and in analyzing the end before it's begun, we don't even allow ourselves to get to the starting gate.

What about chemistry... that 'wow' factor... those butterflies, the racing heart, the flush at the very thought of her? (Whether this is simply a sexual response or not is also open to debate.) Is it one-sided or is it that someone is working so hard on maintaining that reserve in order to avoid being hurt that it only appears one-sided? And round it goes.

Later on there may be evidence of compromise. Somehow you let her dreams become your only dreams, or perhaps your desires overpowered whatever her desires may have been. Too much compromise is simply accommodation. You may sell yourself out to keep the peace, to preserve the illusion of the relationship you have, to avoid an argument, but what would you be arguing about? Actually, admitting that some aspects of your life are being denied? But didn't you put yourself in that situation by over-compromising in the beginning?

I challenge you to wear your heart on your sleeve. Speak your mind, discuss your innermost thoughts. There is little point in hiding behind a facade when ultimately you want to be loved for who you truly are. The adage "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is perhaps the truest of all.

Don't go through life wondering where all the joy might have been.

Hypothetical Dilemmas

Ah, the dynamics of attraction... I was reading an article called Rules of Attraction - it's about attraction at college, but I was hypothesising and putting it into my own adult(!) perspective. Cos my link thing isn't working for some reason, you can find the article here if you're interested:
http://media.www.columbiaspectator.com/media/storage/paper865/news/2005/09/12/Opinion/Rules.Of.Attraction-2030568.shtml

Here's a scenario:

A likes B. A is both sexually and intellectually attracted to B.
B likes A, however is simply intellectually attracted to A.
A and B are getting to be good friends.

B likes C. B is sexually and intellectually attracted to C. B is also emotionally drawn to C.
C likes B. C is sexually and intellectually attracted to B, and admits being also somewhat emotionally drawn to B.

However, C has a potentially unrequited love interest in D.
D is an unknown factor.

Disclaimer: While there are some apparent similarities to 'real life', the above is really not intended to resemble or represent any particular person or persons.

Discuss.

Magie

And then there's different kinds of magic... sometimes it's totally unexpected, and that's the best kind.

Firstly, I met with Machi and a sofa friend who's just transplanted from Seednee (although a pom anyway - I seem to somehow have few 'genuine' kiwi friends...), and we three met a couple of other gals from a google group for dinner at a local gay-friendly restaurant. We had a few laughs, the food was just OK for me - I've never really been a Kamo fan for those of you in Auckland (trying to get the next meeting at a Thai... love that!). We were all going to go on to Flirt after, but the organiser's flatmate txt'd to say he felt like going out, and there was her babysitter gone so she had to leave - but I now have her on myspace friends :) The other one we hadn't met before, let's call her D, said she'd pop into Flirt for five minutes - which incidentally turned into two hours - way to go girl! Good stuff for your first visit eh? Oh, she's not on myspace, so that's a bit silly of me...

And what on earth does that have to do in a PL blog... I already posted the F one earlier and I don't feel like editing it.

So anyway, there's this woman I saw on the sofa, but she's basic (membership) and I never sent a smile cos noone ever returns my smiles... (everybody say awww). And as it turned out, I found her on myspace... and we started chatting, returning eachother's surveys, and happy christmas and a happy new year. She's cute, smart, funny (but then again I only associate with cute, smart, funny women...).

We were both going to Flirt, and we said we'd make sure we said Hi if we saw eachother, and from the moment we said Hi, well there was something going on, and it was mighty good.

(and there's plenty that I'm not saying here, cos there's people on this list who know more - and this isn't really making any sense apart from to two people!)

That didn't say a lot, but I had an overwhelming urge to write something here, and gibberish came out...

Total nonsense. I'll be better soon.

Magic

I guess a lot can be read into the number of blogs posted as to how that person's life is panning out. No friend blogs since Saturday (which admittedly is only three days ago)... no PL blogs since the weekend before then, and only one Diary entry for myself - and the only one ever, at least so far.

Not sure what you make of all that - maybe the PL blog later will clarify, at least in part.

So, small magic moments just to keep things ticking over:
- The formal farewell work thing... I suppose saying goodbye to four out of five managers in just one group is a major deal. A combined work experience just at this company of about 60 years. Funny how some companies think it's OK just to let that go - but that's not what this blog is about. We had a pretty big turnout - ok, some just come for the beer and nibbles, but I was chuffed to see some of my old team come along (those who now live in other countries sent their apologies heh), and two ex managers (one of whom made a pretty nice speech about moi). I got a bit misty eyed again, and made a little speech myself, and got another leaving card with a whole bunch of really nice comments. Pretty cool.
- Machi came over on Sunday night armed with beer, pizza, and a hard drive with one more episode of Heroes (seeing as I'd exhausted the 10 I already had - another story). A bit of tennis on TV, a chat, and a parrot or parakeet in the neighbour's apple tree... Machi was not convinced initially, but here's proof for the rest of you (I don't have a particularly good zoom):

More cool.
- Impromptu dinner with friends last night, but they really just wanted to catch up on gossip... oops - wrong blog ;)

And for the hell of it, one non-magic moment... the friend request I got this morning from a nut (no offense to those of a non-radical disposition) who wanted to save my soul. I was actually a good girl, and did not write back. Oh well, makes a difference from the African marriage proposals I guess.

Second day in the new job - not a huge amount to say about the first day, it's all a bit of a haze but hopefully something's sinking in. Apparantly my elevator pitch is getting better - a friend/colleague said I was starting to sound like I knew what I was talking about... It's a start

Allergic to Work

OK, now that might sound odd, but I truly think I am... actually, less allergic to work itself (though it would be cool to claim that on ACC don't you think?), more allergic to my workplace. Here's the way it panned out.

Four years ago (bear wth me), I started sneezing. No, it's not one of those Guinness Book of Record deals where I've been sneezing ever since... I started sneezing, and really violently such that after a few hours I'd hurt my throat so bad I'd lose my voice. This happened a few times in as many weeks. I went to the doc thinking I was maybe just extra run down, and had some sort of 'super virus' or something, and she said... all supercilious and knowing... You're allergic to Auckland. Yes, I did laugh - well it was actually more of a cackle as at that time I hadn't been able to say a word for two days.

This is the thing. A lot, and I mean a lot, of people who come to Auckland from Europe (primarily) or even the South Island, develop allergies after six or seven years here. It's like being six or seven years old, and the body goes into allergy building-block mode, and many people just don't build the necessary immunities and start to have fairly common reactions... like sneezing fits for example.

Off I went to the testing clinic and had a host of yukky things pricked into my arm, and lo and behold, there was swelling and I was diagnosed with allergy to dust mites. For those of a sensitive disposition, please look away now. It's actually an allergic reaction to dust mite droppings - how gross is that??? You can look back now. So now each year I visit the allergy specialist (Dr Ameratunga for those in the know... world reknown apparantly.. writes numerous articles for the Allergy Today magazine). I take two antihistamines every morning, and a delightful squirt of nasal spray in each nostril, and I'm safe. Well fairly safe.

And this relates to work how? OK... so I know from experience that if I travel to Wellington, I don't need to take my medication as I'm not allergic to WN right? And for those on the preferred list, being allergic to WN might have been a good thing... but I digress. I didn't take my medication from 27th December... until last Friday morning. And what happened to trigger the need to take it? I WENT TO WORK LAST THURSDAY! Do you think my conclusion is sound? I know - weird isn't it?

So that's that. I'm officially (at least in my book) allergic to my place of work. Now with the new job I was supposed to be moving to another building (which I previously worked in pre allergy diagnosis - the proof gets better...). But as per last blog, I'm actually just moving floors in this building, so I'm stuck with it.

I write about some fascinating shit don't I?

I leave you with this.

Tomorrow is my last day in my current job. For those that know me in the flesh, so to speak, you know that I have both hated and loved it. I have been frustrated by the lack of autonomy, yet having to constantly battle to perform miracles against the odds. Somehow, I have managed to make my team the most successful they have ever been. I might be seen as patting myself on the back (and why not?), but I am immensely proud of my, and my team's, achievements. I will miss them, and numerous other colleagues in my work area.

When I got to work this morning, there was a bottle of Pinot Gris by my keyboard, with a lovely purple ribbon tied into a bow at the neck. She's going to be as embarassed as hell (damn, I hope so!)... THANKS JULENA! You remembered my favourite wine from the 100 question survey a while ago. That was extremely thoughtful. When you get that new job, we'll go and celebrate :)

That's enough for now. I think I have a survey or two to answer

TV +

Last night I was knackered. The humidity at night is driving me bonkers, and I can't find a happy medium when it comes to nightwear (puhlease!), sheets, duvets, whatever. It's either just a touch too cold to be comfortable, or too friggin' hot. Sounds really interesting eh?

Well, with current weather-induced sleeping disorder in place, I set the vid to tape the new sooper-dooper (apparantly) series called Heroes. I really didn't think I'd last until 10:30pm when the 2 hour series opener would finish... It wasn't until this morning when I saw the machine flashing in an unusual way that I realised there was no tape... duh! So instead of getting upset, I waited until I got to work and read the review from my favourite cynic - sorry, critic - Frances Grant, from the New Zealand Herald, whose final words on the new epic were these:

In the meantime, we'll have to take on trust that somewhere in its vast array of characters with all their schemes and dreams, there lurks the intelligent design of a plot.

So I now no longer cared that I missed it, and after all do I really want to be stuck in front of the TV every Monday following something that only really looked good in the shorts? Plus, House is back soon (without his cane?), and the Amazing Race has just started up again. I do have my principles.

On a totally different subject, I met my new boss today. I signed my contract before he was finally recruited, so now he gets to meet his new team. Seems like a nice enough chap - I think he's a bit younger than me, but as I get older I guess it was bound to happen sometime. Then I was given the high-level brief of what I'd be focussing on initially... I now think I must have been a really, really bad girl in a previous life. I have been allocated the mother of all projects. Even on the intranet website, it says that this is the biggest single project ever undertaken by our company. Oh goodie. I get to stretch my muscles in ways I didn't even know existed, and I'm doing it on the cutting edge. Time to take a deep breath.

As I wind down the current job, I'm finishing off the half-yearly reviews so I can leave with a clear conscience! I was originally told I'd be moving to another building, but it looks like I'll just be moving to another floor for the time being. As part of the current restructure, there are still tons of vacancies and plenty of recruitment to do. Until that's all complete, we're pretty much staying where we are if possible, and then we'll play our next round of musical chairs towards the end of Feb or early March. Suits me for now - the building I'm in right now means less walking in this horrible heat as it's closer to my bus stop. Sometimes you just have to take the good where you find it.

Not fascinating I'm sure, but there you have it. I'm back at work, and the holiday musings will probably have to wait until the weekend.

Talking of weekends, this Friday I'm going out for a meal with my team and the interim replacement manager... should be a laugh actually. I almost hope they don't permanently replace me for a little while as I think the interim guy is good value. and the team appear to be relating to him well.

Well, finally NZ appear to be getting the better hand of someone in the cricket, and unfortunately, it's the poms. I've been here long enough to cheer the black uniform... actually, when it's kiwis vs poms, I just cheer whoever is winning :)

Stumps

PS Missed half of the Amazing Race cos the poms decided to make a go of it, and ended up winning on the second-to-last ball... of course I cheered!

Out of the Blue

I've noticed that I post a log of stuff under the category "Friends"... occasionally I can't think how to categorise what I'm writing, but this time it fits perfectly.

Towards the end of last year, I joined one of those school/college friends reunited online thingies - specifically friendsreunited.co.uk, seeing as that's where I went to school. I didn't pay or anything, just did the free rego so I could browse around and see if there were names I recognised. There were a few, so I put them into a friends group and then promptly forgot about it.

Then, on the 29th December, I received a message from an old flame from college. That was such a hoot! We'd had a mad pash for - ooh - a few months at least... I even wrote poetry about the girl! I won't go into all the circumstances as to how it all ended abruptly, but she held a warm space in the cockles of my heart. I had to pay(!) of course to message her back, but since then we've traded a few emails and it's been such a laugh! She's a self-declared hettie now (we can't all be perfect), but we've been having a good old reminisce. And I didn't think it could get better...

Last night I got an email from my best, best, BEST friend from school. When I started at boarding school, I was a real loner, a real duck out of water. I hated it. I got picked on (hmm... maybe this should be preferrred? nah...), beaten up, you name it. I was a real shrinking violet (stop sniggering in the background you lot!).

Jen started school a little late in the first term as her birthday was in October, hence she couldn't start until she was 8. We took to eachother immediately. We became really tight all through our school years. At the end of junior school she had to stay back a year because of her birthday (stink eh?), and even though I was now officially a year ahead, we were still inseperable.

I could tell heaps of stories, but the only one grinning would be me. It's a funny old world isn't it? It probably sounds really odd to say that, as close as we were, I never came out to Jen. It just never seemed to be anything to do with our friendship. She told me years later that she went to a school reunion, and when it was mooted that I was gay, she defended me to the hilt! She never begrudged me not telling her though, somehow she understood.

Here's the clincher, at least for me.

From as early as I can remember, Jen wanted to be the first ever black female Concord pilot. Well, we lost touch briefly when we went our separate ways after school, and met up only twice in our young adulthood. The last time we saw eachother was probably around 1990. Then I got a message from her last night.

She never got to fly concord as it stopped flying before she got the chance, but I bet she would have. She's been flying turbo-props for years, and is currently a corporate jet pilot flying business folk all around Europe, Russia and North Africa. Now isn't that a trip???

And I really should be writing to her now, which I will start immediately. I must tell her I posted a pic of her and a whole bunch from school onto the website from when she was about 15 - she's gonna die!

This blog is for Machi... who's sick at home in bed, and is dying for something to read. I don't know what to write about I said... then I started writing this. I was already halfway through when she wrote back "what about a childhood story"... now that's just spooky.

Get better soon. Here's to friends, past and present!

Topsy Turvy Plans

And cos I'm really pretty hopeless at the blog titles, that specifically relates to my non-date not being a date at all now as she's apparently too tired... Call me cynical - maybe she lost her balls! Yeah, whatever. I'll wait for her to get in touch I think.

Caught up with V&I over brunch, and V took one of our friends who's over from SanFran and they had a stonking time at the circus. Cool. I had asked V to get me a two copies of the show on DVD, one for me to watch sometime, and one for the friend whose birthday party I went to last night. She wouldn't take any money for them though which makes giving one as a present a bit odd, but I shouldn't over analyse that too, right? Nice gesture. And cos they were good tickets they got a program each, a Cirque de Soleil CD each and gave one to me. More cool. They offered me one of the ticket stubs, but that's a bit like collecting corks from wine I haven't drunk myself... not a goer.

The birthday party was OK once people stopped asking me how come I was there... and I didn't even cry! Birthday girl was stoked to see me and was even more delighted that her friend K was going to be there... I had half-fancied K some months ago when I first started venturing out, and when she got dreadfully drunk at the Lesbian Ball, I gave her a lift home... they've been planning and conniving since... so with K and I in the same room, it was assumed that it was somehow fate and I should make my move. I did quietly explain that after crying for a solid number of hours earlier that same day over someone else, 'making a move' wasn't really high on my agenda... plus - if I may be so bold/rude - she didn't seem quite so cute this time around (I kept that bit to myself). She asked for my number as I was leaving, and I gave it to her, but the matchmakers thought I was letting a great opportunity pass. I'll cope.

I did drive home a little(!) over the limit I'm sure, and seeing as I only just finally got my NZ license I guess I should be taking it easy. I just got to a point in the evening when, despite the fun I'd had, I had to up and leave. I do that sometimes - as those on this list are witness. It's some sort of threshold thing, don't know exactly.

So now I have a free evening. Time to catch up on stuff I should probably have been doing yesterday but I was too busy snivelling. After all that rain, it's turned into a gorgeous sunny day, and you can't beat sheets dried on the line in the sun. There's something just so sexy about that smell. Hey, I never claimed to be normal here.

Enjoy what's left of the weekend.

This page has been left intentionally blank...

I did my damndest to not think about stuff all day at work, and I did a pretty good job. I got two out of three reviews done (my problem child called in sick, again). I typed ten process/instruction documents to try and cover off work stuff that I just kind of do, but noone knows I do. If it wasn't done it would be noticed, though not necessarilry immediately. Stuff that I took into this job from the last restructure simply cos I couldn't find a home for it elsewhere, but there is no way my new job can take that on board. The total change in accountability will be refreshing I think.

I was supposed to go to a colleague's leaving drinks, but I did some serious drinking with him on 22nd Dec (which was also called his leaving drinks)... and they weren't meeting up until 6pm, and having been at work since 7:30pm I was definitely ready to be 'outta there' by 4:30pm which is the earliest I feel I can leave without giving the impression that I'm skiving.

Also, the weekend situation started creeping into my thoughts mid-afternoon. I got totally caught up on the fact that I should have been going to the airport in the evening to pick up Wellington. I got myself into quite a state about it. When I got on the bus, I found some hard trance music on my ipod and cranked it up, the theory being that I wouldn't be able to hear myself think as the saying goes - that's a crock. If you're determined enough, you can think and completely over-analyse under any circumstances.

I was seriously going to do some mind-dumping bloggy stuff when I got home - after all I'd been composing heaps on the bus ride. Instead, I poured myself a large brandy and dry, and watched the first episode of L Word series four which had downloaded during the day. Then I drank some more, and the evening started slipping into a haze. I remember watching the Kumars, AbFab (the episode where they go to Marrakesh hehe) and some news... I must have at some point eaten leftovers, only cos I saw the dirty dish in the sink this morning. I dropped off on the couch, and woke to some cricket match and stumbled to bed around midnight.

I actually slept OK thanks mainly to the alcohol content I'm sure. Without it I think it would have been a tossy-turny kind of night. It's still pretty warm and sticky, and this morning the weather is really shitty, overcast and high winds.

But I am in avoidance mode - I'm not really writing about how crappy I'm feeling, how resigned I am to going out alone tonight, and how different this weekend is going to be compared to how it was originally planned.

As you know, I'd made my mind up to offer the circus ticket to a stranger, and even tried to inject a bit of fun into it, and do the whole non-date thing, but it didn't work. The sofa offers haven't panned out (even though I somehow have manged to acquire a date on Sunday evening out of it all so I should look at that as a bright moment).

Despite all semblances, I do actually have friends, but for a whole variety of reasons they can't come... most of them will be at a birthday party that I'm supposed to go to after the show. And those that I haven't spoken to yet this week will be looking behind me when I arrive, and no doubt look a bit puzzled when they don't see Wellington there, and I don't know if I can stop myself from crying when that happens, and I'm wondering how long this crying that I'm doing now will go on for, and whether I'm just feeling sorry for myself and maybe I should go back to bed and hide under the sheet and erase a little bit more of this day cos otherwise I don't know how I'll get through it.

I think I might come back to this later.

Occam's Razor Wins

This is often paraphrased as "All things being equal, the simplest solution tends to be the best one."

Nothing was being achieved with my constant brain battles, so instead I gave the tickets away. Done. Picked up, gone.

Despite the fact that I bought the tickets way back in May, when I evidently didn't have anyone to go with, since early November I'd come to associate the whole experience down to being with Wellington tonight. And once I'd fully realised that, I decided it would be best to not go at all. So I sent a txt to my best friends (in the in-a-couple category), and they're going. V, who came to pick them up, did offer to go with me, and that was sweet, but I told her I would rather not go than remember why I didn't go with someone specifically. She gave me a well-needed hug.

And V & I can tell me all about it as we're having brunch tomorrow. We were going to spend the day on Waiheke Island, but their bathroom renovations are a little behind on schedule so a two hour brunch fits better in the plans. The weather's crap anyway - just keeps on raining. Plus I have that date-type thing in the evening which I will hopefully be looking forward to more and more bit by bit over the next 24 or more hours.

So! This is the first time I've had a dry eye since my last blog. That's pretty dismal really. h1dd3n tried calling me earlier, but both my phones were on silent when I went back to bed. I called her back but no reply, so maybe we'll talk later. At least I'll be able to talk...

I am now going to shower, get dressed, go buy a lotto ticket, a piece of meat for the bbq and a few beers. Then later on I'll go to the birthday party and I will get tipsy, dance and laugh. I might cry a bit too, but I'm not worried about that. I'm just feeling in a slightly happier place right now, and I want to be around friends.

Other Stuff that Sucks

I was at least fairly honest with my friends post, but because there are work colleagues on that list I didn't feel I could really say...

How the hell can I do this for 6 more days???

I just know I'm making work for myself, and procrastination doesn't make any targets easier to hit, but boy oh boy, I am bored out of my TREE! I ended up only doing one review today as the 3pm showed up late for work and I wasn't going to stay past 4:30pm just to fit in with his agenda. I'll give him a break - he only gets his son part-time, and today was pick-up day for two weeks of holiday. Means I have to do three reviews tomorrow - and it's not just me who hates them, the guys hate them too! Anyhooo, that's so boring.

So, it turns out the ballsy chick is busy Saturday night and can't come play at the circus, but we have a blind date (well, I'll be blind - she knows what I look like) with her on Sunday evening. That's just a little bit crazy... but I'm up for new experiences.

I really have no desire to have an empty $250 seat next to me at Varekai - and I can't tell right now if I'm pissed off at myself for thinking that buying two was really a good idea, or whether I'm just having a relapse and getting unecessarily pissed off with Wellington for letting me down at the last minute. The "I told you so" bastard on my right shoulder is saying I shouldn't have visited between xmas and new year, cos then there'd be no reason she wouldn't come up this weekend right? And the devil's advocate on the other shoulder says, of course she'd not be coming anyway, it's a fate kind of deal. Pfft - like I know.

I've offered the seat up to another sofa buddy, but no response as yet. It's Friday tomorrow, and I'm thinking that on Saturday night I'll be drinking two glasses of champagne (one for each ticket), sitting in my lonely seat and probably crying like a baby wishing perhaps I hadn't even gone! Talk about mood swings! I'll be such great company eh? I can't even blame PMS - well actually I could, but I'd be lying... and the one thing I try to do - especially in the PL blogs - is be as honest as I can, and if I sound completely fucked up, then that might be a true representation of my reality right now. And I also try not to over-analyse what I'm posting, keep the editing to a minimum and let whatever comes come. Lucky you!

It doesn't help that I'm really really tired. I woke again in the middle of the night to the soulful cries of a catfight, and after a trip to pee, could not get back to sleep - just too hot and muggy. I ended up coming to the puter and answering a couple of messages. I knew I really had to go to work today - and full circle I come...

I'm going to watch Criminal Minds, have another glass of wine, and have an early night. I was going to see if anyone wanted to go to Witch tonight, but I couldn't honestly be bothered.

There's a book called "Life's a bitch, and then you change careers" - it can only get better...

Back at Work

Surprisingly, the thing that sucked most about being back at work was not the work itself... it wasn't even the getting up at 6am (although that was what kept me in my pit yesterday)... it was the getting dressed in corporate clothes, more's the point NOT shorts, jandles/sandles and t-shirt. And today it was only 24 degrees and 69 (oo-er) percent humidity... felt like a lot warmer and reminded me of Singapore in just before the rainy season. There's just no airflow. The dehumidifier at home is going full tilt. The cats are languishing around and looking at me plaintively, like I can do something about it!

So I'm back. That's all really. I was a bit bored in the afternoon - not that I didn't have plenty to do, but I had done heaps already - so I was trying to hook into MySpace, but it just wasn't having any of it. Ended up uninstalling Firefox (I won't be using that PC for much longer anyway), but the new flash player wasn't playing ball, it was actually screwing with the way that IE runs. So instead I installed Opera, and suddenly MySpace came to life. Go figure as they day.

Now, wasn't that fascinating? I did say a few days ago that being back at work would probably limit the number of times I'd post in here - what I failed to mention was the consequential drop in quality!

Oh I'm such a dag....

Circus Tricks

I woke up at 3am, and just could not get back to sleep. When my alarm went off (this being the first day back at work in two and a half weeks), I got up, came to the PC and sent an email saying I wouldn't be in. Then I went back to bed and crashed hard for three hours. I woke up feeling refreshed, and not a bit guilty about being at home for another day.

I think I may just hate my current job so much that I want to spend as little time as possible doing it, especially knowing that I start my new job on 22nd... but I am making it slightly harder on myself as I have a ton of things to finish up between now and then. The half-yearly reviews are the bane of my existence right now - I am SO not going to miss managing people. (Mind you, after that 2:30am callout the other night, I won't exactly miss being on call either...)

I'm also feeling a lot better about the whole Wellington thing. I did respond to a comment on a previous blog saying I might be relieved, and I think that is the most prevelant emotion running through right now. I don't have to fill the weekend with meaningless antics. WN said one of the reasons she wasn't coming was because the weekend couldn't be what I wanted it to be. She's right. Not that I wanted to just jump her bones and spent the weekend navel-gazing... I wanted to be having a good time with a friend, but we're not there yet, nor am I sure we ever will be, but that isn't freaking me out now.

The thing that has brought me a few good laughs over the last couple of days are the responses to my 'ad' on the sofa looking for a non-date for the circus. Two very funny women from Melbourne have suggested I fly them over! One of them even linked to this YouTube Kiwi animation which is cute. Neither of them obviously read my profile though which does clearly state I'm not a kiwi, but hey, they showed a bit of spirit in replying.

And there's another sofa woman, local this time (that would make a change) who is crap at writing messages - I don't have a problem with that as you can probably tell. The very first message I got from her included her phone numbers (home & mobile) and a request for a date... I already happened to be busy that particular evening, so gallantly turned her down. Three months later, she writes again asking what I'm up to... I send back a stream of stuff, to which I get a one line response... so I did the same "You don't write much do you?", and she replied overnight with "Ask me out then!"... ah - a woman with balls... so I asked her to the circus, no reply as yet. I have no idea what she looks like - no photo on her profile... and I'm usually so aesthetic (or shallow...). Call me crazy - watch this space.

Although this doesn't have a huge bunch of deep stuff, the Wellington thing alone deems it to be a PL posting... :)

Have fun y'all. I'm just having another lazy day off. Oh, and cos I was talking about horoscopes earlier today, here's mine... I never usually read them:

There is a marked difference between lack of ability and laziness. If the former is holding you back, seek assistance. But if the latter applies, stop making excuses and pull your weight. Others will respect your efforts.

Oops...

Preferred List - What it Means

All blogs are from MySpace if you haven't figured that out... anyway:

I was asked by a MySpace friend why I have blog postings to a preferred list. Well, I'm sure everyone has their own reasons, and here are some that I can think of that apply to me and me alone.

- The preferred list postings are generally of a more personal nature. I'm new to the blog 'scene', and I'm still testing the waters with reference to what I think people may actually want to read versus writing what comes off the top of my head and seeing the response I get. Constructive criticism or input is always welcome to either preferred or non-preferred postings.

- There are people I work with on my friends list. And by work with, I mean on the same floor, in the same division... I'll be moving to another part of the company later this month, and I might(!) add one or two to the preferred list as I consider them to be more friends than colleagues anyhow. Then again, I might not.

- I have bands/singers among my friends. They have no business knowing my business.

- People on my preferred list are either very good/close friends who know me well, and there are others - which some people might find strange - who know me not a jot, know nothing of my personality, who aren't in the same country, who I am possibly never likely to meet... and I don't have a problem 'sharing' with those folks cos their feedback is sometimes the most frank and honest, and I find that refreshing.

So there's a taster. By the way, the (F) at the end of a subject line means this posting is for all of my MySpace friends. I'll leave you to work out what (PL) means...

And a note to all my readers - cos there are some, my 'Views' stats tell me so... I'm back at work tomorrow, and I anticpate the blog entries will be less frequent. I'm not sure I'm into the full daily cathartic experience... we'll just to have to see.

Cheers queers, and those that want to be

Sore Skin!

And nothing to do with tattoos! This is just that old kiwi sun doing damage when you casually forget its power... but I'll come back to that.

I guess the mind-cleansing thing did some good (for those on the preferred list). I ended up having a rather full day when I actually had little planned, especially after cancelling the tat appointment.

I'd arranged to meet a couple of pink sofa friends up from Hamilton for the circus, but the place we'd chosen was still closed for the hols... never mind, I picked them up and we headed to Ponsonby, my favourite area of town for brunch n stuff. We had a good feed and even better coffee, and being where we were, it was ideal to pop down to the Women's Bookshop (which everyone from out of town does when they're on Ponsonby Rd). We chewed plenty of fat over the couple of hours and it was great to catch up with them. Grounding #1.

During brunch I'd received a txt from my bestest mate (who has just - after a bit of prompting - joined MySpace... I'll put you in my top friends as soon as you put a picture up babe! lol). Once I'd dropped the PS mates back home, I drove up to see her, where much more fat was chewed, and I got rather burnt sitting on her deck (didn't realise until hours later)... We went to the DIY/Gardening store to pick up some stakes and mesh for some tomato and courgette plants she's looking to relocate. She did ask me to join her in the spa, but that was a bit beyond my current body-image-evaluation capacity, so we left it at that. Major grounding #2 - you always do that to me. Thanks.

Oh - this is looking a bit long and just a touch deep for a non-preferred blog... Time to lighten it up a bit.

At the garden store, I'd picked up a venus fly trap plant - I hadn't really acknowledged the friends who fed my cats while I was away in the holidays, and every time I go round their house I always give them heaps about their old fly trap that's decrepit and basically not capable of trapping anything at all... I popped in on the way home. They were thrilled. I also caught up on the bathroom demolition and rebuild progress courtesy of our mutual chums from San Fran... the fact that their claw foot bath was in the hallway was an indication of progress. I have a feeling I might get a call for a shower request later today! Those SF girls sure know a thing or two about renovation - but that's their business. SO looking forward to spending time with them on their home turf in May... Grounding #3.

All in all a good one. The best ones to tend to be the unplanned ones. I felt much more relaxed.

Then at 2:30am, I got called from work. I didn't answer it, and didn't respond to the page that came after. It said "Please call so-and-so at work ASAP" - If I'd been given a reason for the call it might have been different... That's one thing I really really hate about this current job - the fact that I am still on holiday until Wednesday, but they find ways to make me think about work and completely ruin the effect of the overdue and well-earned rest. Not best pleased. Thanks for mucking up the great work my friends did yesterday.

Sigh.

Untouched Skin

I cancelled the tattoo repair which was supposed to happen at 1pm today. Many reasons, won't go into here. Lower down the list is the $200 I can save and put towards the new one(s) in a couple of weeks or so.

So here is/are the real reason(s) I cancelled my tattoo repair... and a short history lesson for those that don't know me so well.


I feel like shit. A move on down towards a depression like I haven't known in months. Just trying to keep upbeat is so hard, and when there's no one around - like in the last 36 hours - I drag myself down and this is where I am now.

After 15 months alone, and the last 5 or so of those coming slowly back out from under my rock haven, this latest episode has knocked me for six. I mean like all the way into the stands (I watched NZ get trashed by Sri Lanka yesterday hence the analogy).

I took those baby steps back into the cruel world; and after all my friends had gallantly paraded out all their single friends - ranging from age 20 to 70 no less, can't say they didn't try - I decide finally to venture forward by myself. I registered myself on a website where I can remain somewhat anonymous, and then just 'look around'.

Man there are some doozies out there - I think I must have met them all... but I've also met some lovely women and am forming new and valuable friendships. I've known my core group of NZ friends for many years and love them all to bits, but just need to find friends of my own that don't tie me in some way back to the ex.

Then I met the WN gal, well, virtually of course. There was an audible 'click', and we fell into eachother's open spaces. The same sense of humour got us off to a great start, and bit by bit the flirting started, both of us taking care not to overstep any boundaries (ha! boundaries... see my earlier post). I'm not going to expound those months. Suffice to say it was going rather well - and from both sides as far as I could tell, though distance obviously does distort it seems. Both acutely aware of the distance thing, and neither willing to commit to anything except honesty.


She was coming to AK to catch up with friends, and ended up staying at my house for a few days. Nothing physical happened, I was the epitome of chivalry and stayed on the couch. We had a ball. But, right from the time I picked her up at the airport, I knew I was in serious trouble. And then she went back to WN.

I had already invited her back to AK to go to the cirus (next weekend), but six weeks seemed like an eternity, and I tentatively broached the idea of me visiting her in between xmas and new year. It was accepted with enthusiasm, and the plans were made.

It was pretty evident that we would sleep together when given the opportunity to be together again. And it happened. And it was good. But then again, I reckon I must be an easy lay after a year without any sex (with anyone else at least) - ah, there goes the self-deprecation again. She hates that...


And there was my mistake... Why is it I could quite happily screw around in my late teens/early 20s without a care in the world, without the need for last names or family history? Was my heart neatly encased in bubble wrap, or had I not really developed a concience yet? Apart from this latest one I'd had three sexual partners in the last 20 years. Even the concept of 'dating' was foreign.

That was longer than I intended, but believe me, I did try to keep it short.

And how does this all relate me to me cancelling my tattoo appointment? Without dabbling into myticism, there's a school of thought that says when having a tattoo done you should be physically well (which I currently am) and at peace with yourself (which I currently am not).

I'm trying to fill next weekend up with so much activity that I won't have time to think of what else we might be doing were circumstances different(!). But right now, I don't even know her flight times, and that makes booking restaurants and the like a little difficult. I know she's not an internet junkie like me, and checks email only occasionally (i.e. not 20 times a day). But I'm not going to text her and ask, cos that - to me - comes across as weedy.. and I'm also trying so hard to be strong, or at least come across as strong.

Enough for now.

The music I'm listening to is courtesy of a new myspace bud who had a Sia track on her profile. I didn't know she sang with Zero 7, who incidentally are listed on my profile... so I downloaded this album. I love it, though the title right now is rather poignant.

Thanks also to another myspace bud who blogged today, despite really not wanting to. Her bravery spurred me to write this. [bow]

Not sure I feel better after writing all that, but maybe a bit lighter. I'm having coffee with a couple of new friends later this morning, and I guess getting this out there does cleanse the mind a little.

clunks

Colourful Skin

I was going to get a new tattoo for my 40th birthday... well that came and went, so seeing as I seem to be going through some sort of reinvention of late, I decided to set the wheels in motion today. I've been working on a couple of designs - one will be brand new, and one will include covering up another old one. Well, all three of them are old... haven't seen the inside of a tattoo parlour for 22 years.

My best friend had her lower back tat done at a place quite near my home, and I love the work. I was talking to another mate and she said when she was a Harley Chick (notice the capitalisation) although she didn't have any tats, all the gang used to go the same tattooist. Cool - I love recommendations.

I originally drove over on Tuesday, but the shop was closed and the answerphone just said they were busy. How dare they still be on holiday! Sheesh... I left a message, and she got back to me and we set up a meeting this morning. Armed with all my crappy drawings and computer printouts over I went.

The place was - as they say - jumping. There sure are a whole ton of people who want things inserted into their bodies in some form or other... I'm talking about piercings here. That don't grab me. Anyhow, the main artiste - Monique - well she's really busy and it will take about two weeks for her to get back to me with the final designs! Oh damn... and there was me thinking she could design it and do it immediately. I guess I must have had my head in the clouds or something...

So what with being off work until next Wednesday still, ergo have time to heal from something at least, I made an appointment for Sunday to have another old tat 'repaired' - that's the technical term... basically means going over a worn-out tat that's lost nearly all its colour and making it look like new. So that's me sorted.

The after care becomes interesting. For the first two days you're supposed to have it lathered in antiseptic cream and covered in glad wrap (cling film) and then taped down to stop any air getting in... and change it 4 or 5 times a day. Being single and living alone, I saw only minor problems in this area. A close friend who lives 10 minutes away now has the dubious honour of being 'wrapping changer' for as long as it takes. It should be OK to lose the wrap by the time I have to go back to the corporate life.

I am stupidly excited about it! But then again, I am generally easy to please.

I may even post photos up to my slideshow - that'll be fun for you all :)

clunks

Life's a Beach

I went out last night and said a formal farewell to my team. We have the full on work thing on Monday as that's the last day all the departing managers are together, but last night was the special one for me. If I could have carried on managing them as I wanted to, I don't think I would have given it up for anything. But companies change direction, and I wasn't part of that. As previously mentioned, it gives me the opportunity to stretch myself and challenge my own career objectives.

So, twelve of us went to local pizza place where much food and beer was consumed (I tried the Aussie wheat beer, Beez Neez - it's fab!). Temp replacement manager was there with the company credit card (hehe). The boys were great (my one girl couldn't make it). I got all misty eyed when they went around the table to said a few words each - some I expected to pass as there are a few quieter ones, but they all made me swell with pride - how I didn't actually cry is a miracle. They gave me two cards, cos they liked them both:
"Sorry you're leaving. We would all like to give you a great send off!
Bye then!"
and
"We hope you appreciate all the time and effort we put into this card.
It's the most work we've done in years!"

I got tons of gift vouchers for a cool store called Acquisitions, and they also especially bought me a little statue thing, they obviously think this is how I'll be after I start my new job on Monday...


It was all extremely cool, and I will miss each and every one of them.

Not a late night, and I couldn't get pissed as I had to come home, get the car and go and feed a friend's cat... I will have to work on getting drunk another time. This was the first weekend in 6 years that I knew the phone wouldn't ring for work. I think a good word to describe that is 'liberating'...

I then watched four episodes of Heroes back to back - I have reviewed my original opinion, and I think it's rather good...

This morning I've been productive, and done some gardening stuff - well, I at least sprayed all the weeds that appear out of nowhere. It's hot and sticky out there, but the scorching sun is hiding today so far.

Now I'm going to watch episode two of the new L Word series.

Looking forward to dinner with Machi and another friend tonight, then we're going to shake our booties at Flirt... this is one "once a month" thing I can handle.

Have a good day y'all.