Untouched Skin

I cancelled the tattoo repair which was supposed to happen at 1pm today. Many reasons, won't go into here. Lower down the list is the $200 I can save and put towards the new one(s) in a couple of weeks or so.

So here is/are the real reason(s) I cancelled my tattoo repair... and a short history lesson for those that don't know me so well.


I feel like shit. A move on down towards a depression like I haven't known in months. Just trying to keep upbeat is so hard, and when there's no one around - like in the last 36 hours - I drag myself down and this is where I am now.

After 15 months alone, and the last 5 or so of those coming slowly back out from under my rock haven, this latest episode has knocked me for six. I mean like all the way into the stands (I watched NZ get trashed by Sri Lanka yesterday hence the analogy).

I took those baby steps back into the cruel world; and after all my friends had gallantly paraded out all their single friends - ranging from age 20 to 70 no less, can't say they didn't try - I decide finally to venture forward by myself. I registered myself on a website where I can remain somewhat anonymous, and then just 'look around'.

Man there are some doozies out there - I think I must have met them all... but I've also met some lovely women and am forming new and valuable friendships. I've known my core group of NZ friends for many years and love them all to bits, but just need to find friends of my own that don't tie me in some way back to the ex.

Then I met the WN gal, well, virtually of course. There was an audible 'click', and we fell into eachother's open spaces. The same sense of humour got us off to a great start, and bit by bit the flirting started, both of us taking care not to overstep any boundaries (ha! boundaries... see my earlier post). I'm not going to expound those months. Suffice to say it was going rather well - and from both sides as far as I could tell, though distance obviously does distort it seems. Both acutely aware of the distance thing, and neither willing to commit to anything except honesty.


She was coming to AK to catch up with friends, and ended up staying at my house for a few days. Nothing physical happened, I was the epitome of chivalry and stayed on the couch. We had a ball. But, right from the time I picked her up at the airport, I knew I was in serious trouble. And then she went back to WN.

I had already invited her back to AK to go to the cirus (next weekend), but six weeks seemed like an eternity, and I tentatively broached the idea of me visiting her in between xmas and new year. It was accepted with enthusiasm, and the plans were made.

It was pretty evident that we would sleep together when given the opportunity to be together again. And it happened. And it was good. But then again, I reckon I must be an easy lay after a year without any sex (with anyone else at least) - ah, there goes the self-deprecation again. She hates that...


And there was my mistake... Why is it I could quite happily screw around in my late teens/early 20s without a care in the world, without the need for last names or family history? Was my heart neatly encased in bubble wrap, or had I not really developed a concience yet? Apart from this latest one I'd had three sexual partners in the last 20 years. Even the concept of 'dating' was foreign.

That was longer than I intended, but believe me, I did try to keep it short.

And how does this all relate me to me cancelling my tattoo appointment? Without dabbling into myticism, there's a school of thought that says when having a tattoo done you should be physically well (which I currently am) and at peace with yourself (which I currently am not).

I'm trying to fill next weekend up with so much activity that I won't have time to think of what else we might be doing were circumstances different(!). But right now, I don't even know her flight times, and that makes booking restaurants and the like a little difficult. I know she's not an internet junkie like me, and checks email only occasionally (i.e. not 20 times a day). But I'm not going to text her and ask, cos that - to me - comes across as weedy.. and I'm also trying so hard to be strong, or at least come across as strong.

Enough for now.

The music I'm listening to is courtesy of a new myspace bud who had a Sia track on her profile. I didn't know she sang with Zero 7, who incidentally are listed on my profile... so I downloaded this album. I love it, though the title right now is rather poignant.

Thanks also to another myspace bud who blogged today, despite really not wanting to. Her bravery spurred me to write this. [bow]

Not sure I feel better after writing all that, but maybe a bit lighter. I'm having coffee with a couple of new friends later this morning, and I guess getting this out there does cleanse the mind a little.

clunks